Starting Over: How to Rewrite Your Story After Divorce with Tonya Carter

#129: Divorce can be a painful and difficult experience, but it also presents an opportunity to reinvent yourself and create a new, more fulfilling life. Tonya Carter shares how at age 30 she went through a divorce and became a single mom of two small kids. Her sense of identity and self-worth was shattered but she realized that in order to move forward she needed to reclaim the narrative.

Today, Tonya Carter is Marriage/Relationship Exit Strategist, Host of The Purposely Thriving Podcast, and Author of “Divorce Your Story: A Woman’s Guide to Heal & Thrive After Divorce”. Her 12 week signature program, “T.H.R.I.V.E” gives women the strategies and tools to exit out of a relationship properly, heal intelligently, and enter & evolve into a life of freedom and fulfillment.

Tonya's Ebbs

• Divorce
• Being a single mom
• Losing 5 jobs in 4 years

Tonya's Glows

• Gaining courage and confidence
• Finding her purpose
• Becoming spiritual 
• Becoming a podcast host, author, and coach
  
  

Let's Connect!

Looking for a Toronto Realtor?: Book An Intro Call

Jenelle Tremblett: Website | Instagram | TikTok

Podcast: Website | YouTube | Instagram | TikTok

Tonya Carter: Website | Instagram

Transcript

0:00

Welcome to the ebb and glow podcast. I'm your host, Janelle Tremlett. And I'm a firm believer that even when life doesn't go as planned, it is taking you exactly where you're meant to be on this podcast. I'm here to help you finally release control of what you think you want and begin to just trust in the ebbs and flows of life. Each week, I will show you how to build that positive mindset radiate with self confidence and cultivate an unshakeable resilience. Let me prove to you that even when life ebb. You will glow. Hello everyone. And welcome to episode 1 29 of the Eben glow podcast. Today's episode is with my guest, Tonya Carter. And you are going to love this episode. This episode is all about rewriting your story after a breakup. A lot of times we get really caught up in the negative narrative and the victim mindset when we come out of a relationship, because after that relationship, we often forget who we were before the relationship started. And whether that is a longtime marriage, a long time relationship. Maybe you've called off an engagement recently, or maybe you were just dating someone for a long time and it really takes a toll on you to figure out what your life looks like without that person. This is a situation that many of us have been through. So I know that you are going to resonate with Tanya's story in this episode. So my guest, Tonya Carter is in marriage and relationship, exit strategists. She uses her knowledge, personal experience and expertise to help women navigate through the process of uncoupling. She does this by providing support, advice, resources, and tools that will help mitigate interruptions in the client's business work performance and household obligations. Tanya is a podcast host of the podcast, the purposely thriving podcast. She's also the author of divorce. Your story at woman's guide to heal and thrive after divorce. And in this episode, we talk about her 12 week program thrive A program that facilitates people, getting the strategies and tools to exit out of a relationship properly, heal intelligently, and enter and evolve into a life of freedom and fulfillment. Throughout this episode, we talk about how Tanya ended the divorce before she even turned 30. She was already married and divorced with two small kids. And anyone listening to this that are in that late twenties, early 30 stage, you know, how pivotal of a time in your life that age is. So Tanya coming out of a divorce, she felt like she failed. And I questioned her on that and I. Really empathized with her perspective on that. When I asked Tanya how she navigated this time in her life. She said she needed to start by taking off the mask of pretending and start being honest and vulnerable with herself. She was able to get through it by reading books, getting coaching, and getting spiritually grounded and allowing herself to get more in touch and in tune with her thoughts and emotions. By the end of the episode, as always, you will understand that because of what Tanya has went through. She has become a person. She never believed herself to be able to become. I asked her how she made it to the glow of her life today. She said one of the biggest glows in her life is having the courage and confidence to be who she is uniquely. This whole experience allowed her to see Beyond her divorce in a way that she now sees and understands that it has opened her up to her divine purpose. Wherever you are listening to today's episode. I hope you enjoy it and find something relatable that you can take into your own life. Make sure to share it with a friend who will also gain value from this and reach out and give me some feedback on the episode. Without further ado, let's get to the episode and enjoy. Tanya, welcome to the. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it. When I was doing my research on you I was really focused on the, the research around divorce and what I was gonna ask you, and never in my mind did I ever think you had kids. I don't know why I thought that. Yes, I do. I have a 20 and a 15 year old. Wait, what? Yeah, I have a 20 year old son, 15 year old daughter, 10th. You do not look old enough to have a 20 year old kid. Girl. Thank you. I love that compliment. I receive all of that, I do. People give that to my mom too. They're always like, you have a 30 year old daughter. How? Right. Yeah. So she was young when she had me too. Yeah. I was 22 when I had my son. Mm. 26 when I had my daughter. Yep. My mom was 21, so exact same. Yeah. Yeah. And she's a, she's a December baby, so call it 22, like. Right. Yep. Oh, there's, there's pros and cons as you know, and I'm sure, as your kids know, to having kids younger versus older. I believe so. Yeah. I mean, now that they're older, I'm kind of glad that I did. But then there was a lot of growing up I needed to do, you know, I had graduated from college, but you know, there was a part of me that would've may have wanted to experience my twenties a little bit more. Just to kind of get an idea of who I was. Mm-hmm. But you know, they just had to grow up with me, you know what I'm saying? Like, it just, it was just what it was. It was like, okay, you're here. We you just gonna come with me on the journey. Yeah. Are your parents really involved in your kids' life, like as grandparents? Absolutely. Yes, they are. Even my ex-husband's mother, she's very involved. They got some, they have some very wonderful grandparents, and I, I needed that support because, Their dad lived in a different state. Mm-hmm. So I needed that, that village. Um, I bet a lot. So I, I appreciate them more than they probably ever know, but I, I really appreciate'em. My grandmother had my mother really young as well, so my grandmother is not old at all. She's not even 70 yet, or, yeah, she turned 70 late this year. And I always find. Sometimes when I go for advice, I would rather go to her than my mom because she has a lot more life experience. And like you said, my mom was growing up while I was growing up. Mm-hmm. So she didn't really get a chance to experience a lot of the things that I experience in my twenties. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. Do you find your kids do that sometimes? You know, honestly, my kids come to me for a lot of advice. Ooh, they do. That's good. We, we, we really have that type of relationship. They come to me. relationships. You know, my son is 20 so he, that's fine. You know, meets women and things like that. So he comes to me about it. My daughter, she, you know, we we're in a space where we're talking about dating, even though she can't date just yet. Yeah. But the conversation is there because we need to have it because mm-hmm. In my home we didn't have it. It was kind of taboo to talk about certain things and I didn't want that cuz I wish there were things that I knew. At that age. So I find myself reparenting my kids through the things I wish I had known. So yeah, cuz we didn't have those talks. It was very basic. I'm talking about very basic and I was like, Uhuh, we can't do this. They go out here in this world and make bad, bad relational decisions or don't allow themselves to embrace good relationships. Yeah. So it's important to have these convers. My mom is trying to give me advice on dating now, and I'm turning 30, and I just laugh and I'm like, oh, you, you're 15 years too late. Yeah, yeah. We, we talk about it. We, we talked about it the other day, so heavy conversation in this house. but you need to be having them. Then my mom was trying to lecture me on how I shouldn't be going home with men at the end of the night. And I'm like, oh my God, this is not, I'm like, okay. Like this conversation would've been good. Like I said, 12 to 15 years ago. This is not the first time this has happened because you try to have those conversations as like adult to adult now. Like I'm sure your daughter will feel the same when she's 30. And it's like, you can't parent me now. It's too late. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I guess sometimes if we knew what we knew now, I think. I think that's, could be what she's doing too. Like, ugh, I wish I would've known this. Let me tell her now, you know, because 30 is, 30 is young. Yeah. 30 is young, you know, and it is. It is. And a lot of the time I see women make a lot of same mistakes. Forties and fifties. Yeah. So there's, you know, I under, I get it. I know, I know. They're, they're still your mom no matter what, right? Like it's not, yeah, they. It's not gonna stop. It's not. She should, and I will never understand it until I'm a mom. Right. It hits differently when you become a mom. Yeah. You get it. It does. And I You have a new appreciation for your mom then too, right? Absolutely. Yeah. I look at her more than a mom. I look at her as a woman, which I don't think I looked at before, because you know, as a kid, that's all, you know, her ass, mom, you supposed to do this. You supposed to save the day. You supposed to sacrifice yourself. Until I became a mom and I was like, whoa. I could understand how my mom may have felt unappreciated. Mm. Maybe there was some things that she wanted to do for herself that she never did because, you know, she was a wife and mom. Right. So I've gotten very compassionate about women in general just because all the different hats we have to wear, and it's a lot of pressure to be quote unquote perfect. To get it right the first time. And it's like, that's not gonna happen. Mm-hmm. So I, I definitely have learned to. Realize that no, she's a woman first. Hmm. Outside of everything else, she's a woman. She has needs, she has desires, she has feelings. She wants to feel appreciated. She wants to feel loved. That's a real thing. Hmm. Yeah. So true. Hey, how old were you when you got married? First 19. I was 22. 22. Mm-hmm. Wow. I feel like you lived a very similar life to my mom because Yeah, like we're, we're, and I don't mean this in a rude way, did you get married because you were. That had a lot to do with it. Yeah. My mom too. It did. Like if, if I could just be honest it definitely was a huge influence. Yeah. Yeah. My mom did all of that really young too. Mm-hmm. And they didn't get divorced. So your kids were young, like under 10. Your, your son was under 10 by the time you got divorced, right? Absolutely. So he was about maybe seven. Yeah. And my daughter was Let's see. She was about two mm. Mm-hmm. My parents stuck it out until I got the university acceptance letter. Yeah. A lot of couples tend to divorce after the kids are gone. Cuz at that point it's a lot of reasons behind it. Sometimes they just don't wanna split the family, the expenses in terms from a financial perspective. So they want to kind of keep their child having a certain routine. Mm-hmm. In terms of school, they don't want to interrupt or disrupt your life. And then when the kids are gone, it's like, we gotta really look at each other. We really have to, you know, there's nothing there to necessarily keep them together. And so they decide to dissolve, but I didn't, I decided not to. I didn't wanna do. Yeah, I think there's a lot more strength in making that decision early, knowing all of the consequences that are gonna come. Like you already know the dino effects that are about to come. Absolutely. And you're still absolutely willing to take that risk cuz you know the reward is greater at the end or you hope Yeah. If you have that mindset, I would say for me I'm gonna be honest with you, I just thought my life was just gonna work Right. Without believing that there was some things I needed to unpack. Because divorce is like, we gotta think about losing up someone to death, like someone we love to death. That's very equivalent to going through a divorce. So there's a lot of mental and emotional things that we. Should allow ourselves to unpack unapologetically. And I didn't do that. I didn't realize the adversity that a divorce really did bring for me, cuz I was a big pretender and I wore a mask very well. So I didn't want nobody to see me hurt. I didn't want nobody to see that. I thought I was built to just push through. And it that, that's, I don't recommend that for absolutely anybody. Were you always like that though? Like always wanting to make Yeah. Wanting to make sure everyone else thought everything was. Of course. Yeah. Really. Absolutely. I did. A lot of people are like that. Yeah, I did because number one, I think it was influence for me to be that way. I think you know, being I was the youngest of three. Mm-hmm. But I think being the only girl, being the baby, being the one to really look good on paper was very, Pressured and influenced. And you know, I think personality-wise, that's a strength of I that I have, that I love. Like, I love that I can figure things out. I'm not gonna sit here and act like I don't. Mm-hmm. But there are times where you just can't, there are times where you have to say, you know what? I need some help. This hurts, this sucks. I'm pissed. Like, this was not the plan. You know, like all of that. Like, it was, it's just real. Like, you know what? Hold. Everything I touch should work, like the attitude I had. And I, I was very, I always thought that my effort would be enough for things to work. If I just try harder, it would work. That's a gift and a curse. And in relationships, that's a curse because you cannot control what other people do. Hmm. And so I had to understand, like, I used to perceive it as a, as a failure. I thought God hated me because I am, you know, I'm, I'm spiritual and I felt like I was, oh my God, I'm, I'm in trouble. Like I had a lot of issues behind it. Single motherhood, seeing a move on the embarrassment that comes with it, you know, realizing. Maybe had I not made the decision, my life would've been different at 29. So I've had a lot of, I had some regret there, so it was just a lot that I didn't allow myself to just say, you know what? Let me work through this so I can move on, instead of being stuck in that place for like five years. Talk to me about your family and friends, both their support or lack of support, maybe some judgment, both when you're getting married, young and divorced again by the age of 30. Yeah. You know, in terms of my family, my mom and dad, I would say that they, they didn't say a lot. Um, They never do, do they? They didn't say a lot, but then at, until it's all the done at the same time. Yeah. And they, but they didn't shame me for it. I guess they just, it was just something that they didn't talk about. I don't know if they didn't know what to say. I don't know if I gave the perception that I was okay. Mm-hmm. Because, you know, when you wear a mask, people do think you fine, you give off the perception that you are. So it's hard for people to like even know if anything is wrong unless you just really have that instinct to, to do that with. And, and I have friends that were, I would say, very supportive based on what they saw from me and the reason why I say those things. If I'm showing up, like everything is good and I got it together, I can't necessarily expect something that I never asked for people. Mm-hmm. And I had to learn that about myself too, because I played a part in that. I did a lot of complaining though. I bet. And Oh yeah. And didn't even think I was complaining. Right. It was just a common story that I would tell myself a common story that I would tell people and I think about it, I'm like, wow, I did. That must have been exhausting for people to hear. I mean, I know people can be a good friend, but at some point, you know, it's like, how long are we gonna have this conversation sis? Like at some point we gotta, we gotta rewrite the narrative. Mm-hmm. And I didn't realize that, I didn't rewrite the narrative. I was like, my story is still the same year after year. Mm-hmm. And it was like, I'm saying the same thing. I'm having the same conversations I'm having, I'm entertaining kinda like the same caliber of guys. At that point, you gotta, you do have to account, you have to redirect from a place of empowerment, not from a place of blame or victimhood. And that's what I had to do. If, if in full transparency, that's what I had to do. And that's what I teach my clients to do, because you'll wake up and be 40 and 50 and find yourself in that same cycle. I had to kick myself in the ass the beginning of this year, and I always considered myself a goal-oriented person, ambitious, which I am, but I would wake up again January 1st of every year, and I'm like, yeah, my life has changed, but like, what have I achieved? And so I had to be really accountable of myself this year and say, things are changing. Stay accountable, change the story and, and do something about it this time. Absolutely. Divorce the story. That's the, you know, that's the theme, that's the trademark that I go by. And I tell people that all the time. You have to, cuz you know, you'll, you'll see a repeat every year. Yeah. Mm-hmm. and everyone is moving along and you wake up and it just feels the same and the same and the same. Right. And you know, to your core that there's. Of course, right? You, you know, like regardless of of what you posted on these social media streets, you know, like there's more out here that I can just be. Mm-hmm. Um, And it was more about just looking inward and just taking ownership, honestly. Mm-hmm. Like that was really the, the game changer for me. It's just taking full ownership over my life, over my choices, over my decisions. Moving forward from that date, March 24th to be exact 2015. I know the date, like the back of my head. Wow. Yeah. Going through your divorce at the age of you were, you're saying 29 and 30 is when you were going through it, right? Yeah. I got divorced in 2010. I was 29 years old. Yeah. Yeah. And for myself, and I would say a lot of the women listening to this podcast, that's our age. Mm. And I. I'm haven't had enough time making plans for Saturday night, let alone going through a divorce. Right. Absolutely. Yeah, I understand. You know what I mean? It's a lot to take on a whole lot, especially when kids are involved as well. Absolutely. Did you find there was any splits within your friendship groups, picking sides or anything like that going through the divorce? I would say not really. Okay, good. I would say that I didn't necessarily have that experience. I know that a lot of people did. I, I would say that I did have my, my own friends that I, you know, that, that I had, and, and he had his own friends and we end up knowing each other because of that. But it wasn't a, it wasn't a thing of you gotta pick a side, you know, like I had, I had my. You know, they ride with me, they rock with me. And that was just how it was. You know what I'm saying? So it wasn't too bad. I mean, we met people together along the way, but it wasn't, it didn't impact any of our friendships. Good. That's rare. No, it can be. I've seen where people have lost friends. Friends, you know. I kind of look at it both ways, and this is something that I've, I've had to share with my clients because sometimes they're in the middle and I know it's hard to see that, but if you're in the middle, it's like, who? Who do I choose? And that's not necessarily their, they shouldn't have to choose. Mm-hmm. I think you try to be as neutral. As neutral as possible, but then there are some friends you're not gonna talk to anymore just because. Things have changed in your life. Mm-hmm. Where, you know, maybe you all met because you all had the same type of dynamic where both parties were married. Yeah. And you may not be able to do the same things that you did before because you're no longer married. And so it does somewhat shift and then depending on. Why you're getting a divorce. Like if, if someone knows that you, you cheated or you abused this person, they may not even wanna talk to you no more. Yeah. Just because you're not being morally correct and they want to create that distance. So there's different scenarios and it can be hard cuz friendships are just as powerful as any romantic relationship. And I think sometimes we, we don't see that Agreed. How long were you thinking about the divorce before you finally pulled the trigger? I would say about two to three years. Wow. So like a third of the relationship? Yes. Mm-hmm. We, we chatted last week or earlier this week about some of the clients you've had, and you said you've had clients that knew on the honeymoon this was not right and still went through with a 15, 20 year. Yeah. So she wasn't necessarily a client, she was somebody at a workshop that I did. Yeah. And her and I had a conversation, and that's what she told me. She said, I was married for 33 years and she mentioned that she knew on her honeymoon that this wasn't going to work. And I'm gonna respectfully say she knew before the honeymoon. She just awakened to everything after the marriage was there, like after the wedding, like that's. What was there was already there, and now you're able to really see it and take it for what it is because sometimes we, we go off the ideal and we don't go on the reel. And you know, she, in 33 years of emotional abuse, what that does to a person's mental health, emotional health, physical health Financial health. I mean, your finances get impacted when you have Unhealthy relationships. So all that, that has to be unpacked and rebuilded is a lot when she could have, you know, decided to go the opposite 33 years ago. What did you fear going into a potential divorce? Anything you were scared of? Oh yeah, I was scared of, I was, I fear I didn't like to fail. You considered it a failure? Absolutely. I did. I felt like I failed. I felt like I felt my kids. I mean, I grew up in a two-parent home. Mm-hmm. And I, I really did. I felt like I, I was like, man, I'm a, I'm not a good mom. You know, I, I really did. I felt guilty. Yeah. And those were the top th two things. And then I, I, cuz I equated that this relationship with this marriage lasting as me being, So I used to like base my worth and value on the outcome of things and not necessarily understanding that those things are distinct. And so I had difficulty like separating the two. Huh. Please tell me that's changed. Absolutely. Okay. Now I'm not gonna sit here and say that there are not moments where I have those thoughts. Hmm. Um, I think that's part of the human experie. But I don't sit in it, I don't like play on it. I don't like feed into it. I really make sure that I don't align with what happened to who I am. Hmm. Like that will, it's, it's a hard thing to do, but it's a freeing place to be because it applies not just relationally in the workplace. It applies with your business. It applies. Just everything in your life to realize like who and who's I am is not decided on the outcome of things. Like we do that a lot and we don't even realize that that's what we do. And I don't get me wrong, I still strive for excellence because that's just me, but I don't strive to be perfect and I understand how to make peace with things and realize that this wasn't gonna be the outcome that maybe I expected. So I kind of learned how to let go of expectations. Hmm. Talk to me about some of the realities post divorce right away. You mentioned before that two weeks later, after the divorce, you lost your job. Yes. As if you, as if you weren't dealing with enough already. Absolutely. Yeah. I, um, I remember this vividly in oh eight, we separated. Two weeks later I got laid off. from oh eight to 2012, it just seemed like it was just a storm and I was just going through a lot. Mm-hmm. So I didn't lose just one job. I lost another job that was the recession. So it was really bad. My kid's father moved outta state and it was very far, it wasn't close, it wasn't nearby, you know, seeing him move on as quickly as he did. Whoa. Uh, So I kind of went like, oh eight to 2012 was like Those five years was just rough. I can't lie. They was rough. He bounced back and started dating again and got in another relationship. Yeah. Yeah. How quickly after. In terms of us separating, we separated in oh eight. Okay. We got divorced in 2010 and he was, he got married that same year that we got divorced. But I think he had a relationship with her like six months after we separated. So just learning how to make peace with that was something that I needed to allow myself to do because you can't force somebody. You can't dictate when somebody moves on. These are the, but here's the thing, this is me now on the other side. So for those who are listening, because I'm trying to, because I know it's like when you're no longer in it. And you've gotten through it. It's easier for me to say it, but when you're in it, that stuff don't register. It's like, what are you saying when you're in it bastard, you're like, okay, you didn't grieve me. Look, I'm thinking you supposed to grieve me. You supposed to be in misery without me. You know what I'm saying? Like, listen, I'm just being honest. Like I need for you to grieve me. you should not be able to make it without me. that was me. That was the ego talking. That was the attitude talking, but. Again, I'm on the other side. Mm-hmm. So the other side is like, you can't dictate when somebody moves on. Mm-hmm. You can't control any of that. And so that moving on quickly is a real thing and we wanna understand why. And a lot of the time it has a lot to do with them than you. but you gotta get into that place of wanting to understand that it it is, it's easier said than done. Girl. Listen, I'm, I'm just gonna be real. How did you find navigating dating and relationships? Again, obviously you're going into new relationships. You're a single mom of two young kids, you're in your thirties, which is like, I'm sure you're looking all around you and your friends are starting to get married and pair off and you're kind of left in the dust. Like that's, a lot of my friends are starting to get married. So that's how I'm starting to feel. and then you're still grieving and you have a lot of distressed probably. And. Resentment and, you know, the whole works of it. Yeah. I'm be honest with you, I had no business dating nobody. I didn't, and I'm standing by that. Because the, the automatic response when you go through a divorce is, are you gonna get married again? It's like, give me, I, let me breathe before I even think about that. And sometimes the response. I'm gonna go back out here and date because there can be some rejection there where you need somebody to instantly validate you. And when you go out like that, you, you go out, I hate to say it, but you go out thirsty, and I know you don't think that's what you're doing, but a lot of the times you do, you go out there vulnerable, you're telling your, all your business you're linking up with somebody that you have no business given your energy to. For me, that was where I was. Mm. Um, I remember I met this guy and I just thought he was fine. I thought this was going to work, and if I could be honest, I, you know, he, he reminded me of a lot of what I just went through and it was like, well, why would I go back to entertain something very similar? And so I didn't see that at the time. I didn't wanna, Because it wasn't that I was blind. I didn't wanna see it. And when you don't, it's always right in front of your face, right? You'll tell yourself anything to, to convince yourself that this isn't it. And so when it comes to the dating portion of it all, I should have allowed myself to just kind of fall back because when you make tho for me, cuz I can only speak for myself and I know how I'm wired. You gotta know how you built. Yeah. And I had to understand how I was built. I ain't built for that type of life. we're either together or we're not. Right. And what that means is if we're not, we have nothing to entertain. Mm-hmm. And I know that that's how I'm built. For some women, they may not. but here's the thing. When those cameras go off on social media, when you stop hanging around your friends and you are in the, you're like in your thoughts, depression hit for me because I didn't like the choices that I was making. Mm-hmm. I didn't. And so, I had to be honest with myself and be like, nah, this ain't it, Tanya? You know? When was that moment though? Like the, like it was there. Pivotal moment. Yeah. Do you remember the actual pivotal moment of. I'm leaving that life behind and I'm rewriting this story. Finally, March 24th, 2015, like I said earlier, okay. That, that day, and the reason why that day matters so much is cuz my dad had a heart attack that day. That's how I know how to keep that, that day. Wow. That's why it sticks with me when my father, he had a heart attack and that changed me. It made me like assess my life in a way that I never did before. It allowed me to be honest for a change without feeling like I needed to be strong and. And so when I got home that night, I was like, this ain't it. This, this ain't it. Because when I saw my dad in the hospital, my father was at my house the day before. So it hits differently. It's like, okay, how you gonna be at my house today? And then tomorrow you in the hospital. So it hits differently and it allowed me to see. Where I was, it allowed me to realize like, this, this, this isn't it. And I didn't know all the answers. I just knew something had to change. So when you take that journey, you're not gonna know everything. You just know something needed to shift. And my life has never been the same since. Wow. So what do you do right, right away are, are you changing careers? Are you changing friend groups? Like, what are you changing? For me, it was definitely about being mindful of what I was reading. Mm. And consuming. It was about taking in different information. I didn't go and make this j dramatic change. I just started listening to different things whether that be on YouTube listening as just something I would say more inspiring. I was more in the inspiration phase than anything, and that changed a lot because now I was intentionally filling my head. And heart was something new. Mm. And I did that every single day for months actually. Right. And then at some point something else has to shift. And I used to be a girl. It, you know, I realized that certain things I just couldn't watch anymore. Certain things just did not sit well with me based upon where I wanted to go. And so I just slowly but surely changed. I joined a personal development community. I started meeting new people. I started really getting out of my environ. And started just meeting people, building intentional relationships, investing in myself like that was important for me too. I had to learn how to financially invest in myself. And from that point on, it just kind of build. Ended up getting coaching for things at that point, really trying to figure out what, why am I here? What is my purpose outside of working a nine to five, taking care of my children? What is my purpose? and I had to really understand what that meant for me, because I mean, I worked, but I wasn't fulfilled. And nobody can do that for you. Like no man or woman, like no relationship can do that. They can compliment it though, but they cannot fulfill you. Hmm. And so what I realized was that I wanted to control everybody because of the lack of control I had in my own life, just being. Yeah. How do you feel when you finally realized that? I felt like, you know, I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I felt good that I finally got that awareness. Uhhuh. Yeah. And it also allowed me to move differently. Right. So when I'm, if I meet a guy, I'm not trying to change you. Like if you not the one for me, I'm out. And I don't need a whole lot of time to figure that out either because I'm so in tune with myself now, but this comes from eight years. This doesn't come from yesterday. You know what I'm saying? Like I had to learn how to really trust myself. My discernment has always been there, but when you don't listen to it, you disconnect. Hmm. And so I had to learn how to connect back to my discernment by making those hard choices. Because when you feel like you can change people and make them and mold them, you ignore everything that's in front of you. And I'm like, no, this, accept it for what it is and move on if need be. Yeah, it's crazy how it's been, the way you said it, I was like, yeah, sometimes you don't even need to say anything. Just go take it all in. Yeah. You've been out of this divorce as long as you were in the relationship at this point? Almost more. Yeah. More. Wow. Hey. Yeah, and I was mentally and emotionally connected to it. Not necessarily wanted to go back. I didn't wanna go back. Mm-hmm. It was the residue. It's, it's the residue of, of things that impacts you. And I think that's, that's really where I'm going with it with people. Cuz I know some people like, nah, I don't wanna go back. I don't tell people to go back. Mm-hmm. But if we gonna leave, let's do it. Right. Let's be strategic. Let's not be bitter about it. Let's not talk about it as if it happened yesterday and it's 10 years from now. I see quite a few people do that. Male or female doesn't even matter. And I'm like, okay. At what point are we gonna change the narrative? And I know it sucks, it hurts. There's a lot of, you know, cuz everybody experience is different. But being 29 years old, I think I would've hated being 42. And I'm still having that conversation that I had at 29. Really? Yeah. That's how I look at it. Like, that's 12, that's 13 years ago. Like, I should be, I should have let it go. Yeah. You know, like if we think about. I want people to think about people that they know, that talk about the same thing every day. Ugh. I, I had, I had a couple in my life recently and I've, I've distanced myself, right? I don't wanna hear about it unless you're gonna do something about it. Absolutely. And so you might get that phone call and you already know this person calling you is gonna talk about the same thing, the from the text messages. And it's not that you don't care, but at some point, you, you, you gotta stop and get into a place of consciousness and take inventory of really what you're thinking, what you're feeling, your actions. Yeah. You, you, you have to, that's if you, A different life. If not, then just by all means, you know, keep doing what you're doing. But if you, you know, cuz I mean I don't, I don't mean no harm, but I, you know, that's the thing that I don't, you know, cuz some people they may not necessarily wanna do the work. The way I always see it, the people listening to podcast in general, especially this one, are the ones who wanna make a change. And that is very accurate. Like people ain't listening to something like this. So for those who are out there, you're listening to this, it's something within you that wants to shift. Yeah, right. But when you go out here in the social media world and you see some comments and I just be like, whew, let me. Let me just not say nothing. Don't get me started on the trolling comments. I post on social media every single day for my job. It's it's ridiculous sometimes. Absolutely. Yeah. I wanna ask about some of the unexpected benefits or positive changes that came out of rebuilding your life after the divorce. Oh man. You're like, everything so, so much. I would say one of the biggest things. It's my spiritual relationship. Ah, that was very important for me. You know, I know everybody has their beliefs and I respect their beliefs, but that was important for me understanding what my relationship was like with God, that, that, that mattered to me. I had, I needed to know who I was. I needed to know who's I was, and that was number one. Number two was my relationship with my children. Changed. You think it got better? It changed for the better. Absolutely. Because you were fearful of that. Hey. Yeah. I was fearful that I failed them because they didn't experience having both parents in the home. Mm. And I also thought that they needed both of us in the home. And when I, when, I mean, when I say. I do believe that if, if both parties want to be there and, and work on their marriage and, and be great for themselves and their children, I believe that wholeheartedly. However, if it isn't a good dynamic, then you know, that's when you have to make an intelligent decision. However, both parents can still be active in their children's life. Hmm. I wanna put that out there cuz sometimes I, I've heard so many different things about it. The reason why my relationship got better is because I got better. So I was able to give my kids more because I became more so the conversations that we have now, I don't know if we would've had them had I not did the work. Hmm. Right. Because I was, I ain't gonna lie, you know, it was certain parts about me that I like When I grew up as a kid, it was kind of like a childish to be seen and not. I was kinda like the bottom line and I kind of brought some of that in my home as a parent and didn't like it, but did it anyway, right? So I had to, I had to look at like, how can I parent differently? How can I make sure that this is a safe space, that we can talk about anything no matter what it is? And so that relationship has G has gotten, you know, I think we have a pretty good relationship. I mean, we, as you know, at the end of the day, kids will be kids, but I do believe that we. A really good relationship. I would say my purpose, birth from being single a lot of the time, you know, the, it's the uncertainty of all that I think really bothers people. Like really knowing what's going to happen next. Yeah. Because even though you're in a marriage that may not necessarily be the best, you know, what you're. It's, it's not knowing is the scary part. It's the not knowing, it's the uncertainty. It's, you know, how am I going to, what would this look like? you know, sometimes we just, we want really the guarantee. Mm-hmm. We wanna know all the steps before we take it. And so for me, just knowing my purpose was everything. I wrote my book I've created some great friendships. Like, yeah. I'm not even gonna lie to you. I got the kind of friendships where, if I need them, they're there for me, and if they need me, I'm there for them. So it's a lot of mutualism there. I traveled more, I speak more. My health is better. So you, you know, I can't lie and say that it's been bad. I mean, I've definitely had my moments and my frustrations, especially being a parent, of course, you know? Yeah. Um, but that just comes with. But I can't, I can't say that, you know, life is bad. I think life has been great, cuz I think I really birthed my auth, the authentic part of me. I wasn't authentic when I was married. As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever been as authentic as I am now. When could you, obviously still a co-parent, does he see you now and think you are a different person? I don't, you know, I don't know, honestly. He's never, He has moved back here in the state of Georgia. Mm-hmm. So I'm very glad for that because my kids get the opportunity to see him, but we do, we are cordial. And a lot of that was, you know, I had to, I think one of the things that I did was I just met you where you were. Now I know some people cannot co-parent. That's where you have to par. You have to parallel parent. It's just the, it's the facts. I, I'm not here to tell people. Here's the thing. Would it be great if both people got along and made sure the kids were the focus? Yes. Yes. We know that. I mean, that's the, you know, but there are some times where, this is why the healing part is so important because when you heal, you can co-parent better. Hmm. You really can. Cuz you realize, I can't control you, I can't make you do anything. You know it. It's up to you to be. And I'm gonna meet you there. Like you have a different attitude when you do that. So, I would say for him and I, we didn't do a lot of co-parenting cuz he, he was not really here, you know, and I had to work through that. Like, I was upset about that. I'm not gonna lie, I'd be pissed. Um, yeah. Oh, very much so. I felt like I didn't sign up for this, I didn't sign a parent alone. Like, I, trust me, I had to, I had to like work through that as well. Mm-hmm. But I would say over the years our communication has gotten a lot better. Good. Even if it was by phone. And that was still just as important because if my kids see that we can get along, it just makes them feel more at ease. I think what really matters is the kids seeing both parents being able to get along. I agree. Yeah, I wanna talk about your program. Thrive 12 Steps. It's a 12 week program. Mm-hmm. 12 week program. Yes, ma'am. Um, What week within the program do you think your clients value the most? The fourth week. Why? Because that's when we get into the reparenting piece. Reparenting yourself or reparenting? Yes. Okay. Mm-hmm. What you wish you would, surprised you told Yourself's? Say that again. What you wish you would've told. You know, going back to the younger you, that is very important because what happens is many people think this is about divorce. I, I'm just as confused right now. It's de it's deeper than divorce. Yes. It's, it's not necessarily the divorce itself. Mm. Right. The divorce is the experience, but it's all the other things that we need to allow ourselves to unpack. So I'm not, if I, you know, the program is not about your. Because your ex didn't sign up for the program. Why are we talking about them? You are the person that we're working on. This is a great point. I would come into your 12 week program just bitching about how awful he was. Right. And I would look at you say out, you kick out, I would kick you out. I would help you reframe it because that's what I'm here for. You know what I mean? Like I got you. Yeah. You know what I mean? So I get it. I understand it. Mm-hmm. So I'm not here to judge it cuz I was there too. So I'm not here to be like, but I am here to help us redirect because the more we put the focus on the person who matters in this program, and that's the client. we can move on. That's the ownership that you have to take. It's not own. What someone has done to you. Yeah. Like we, you know, I think we have to kind of, again, separate the two. Ownership is about taking control over your life going forward. Mm-hmm. Not giving what someone has done to you that much power where you are still complacent to what your life can be after this situation. Right. You're not taking. Correct. It's about now being intentional. It's about designing your life now. It's co it's really creating a different life. And so it's not about your ex, not if you really wanna move on. If you wanna sit here. Yeah. And we just, you wanna just talk about what he's done? I couldn't be a coach for you. Yeah, because number one, this is an investment. This is your life. I'm, I'm very passionate about this cuz I. How relationships and divorces can really take people down the wrong path. How they treat people, how they hurt other people, how they self-sabotage themselves. Like these are the real things that happen. How they unconsciously put that on their kids. Like this is the other side of it. When you don't do the work, you got kids who are grown who wish their parents and mothers got the help. Their fathers got the help because they had to deal with the aftermath of you not doing your. So true. That's not true. I heard, I heard you say in the past that someone going through a divorce needs to forgive their ex and have empathy. And I said, really? As if I'm not exhausted enough with how, with my side of the street now I have to have empathy for their side. Well, and do your clients feel the same? Yeah, I felt the same. You know, the thing is, is that I don't force my clients to forgive. The goal is to them to practice the skill of forgiving. Yeah. I believe it's a skill more so than anything else. But I think the most important thing is to forgive yourself first. I think when you truly give you that level of compassion over yourself, you can eventually give it to your ex because you, you understand that you're not perfect. You also see maybe even some of the wounds that you encountered mm-hmm. And how it impacted you relationally. Yeah. And so I, I, I do my best to go in as delicate with that cuz that get a lot of eye rolls, Tanya, whatever, all that right there. That's what I get and I get it. But it's my job as well as my responsibility to talk about that because I honestly, I know people say You don't have to forgive and I, I get where people coming from cuz you don't, cuz it really is a choice. But I want people to really think about their perception of forgiveness. Like, what have you defined it to be? Do you think it's a forgive and forget thing? And because it's not, it's not, you're not gonna forget what someone has done to you. But eventually it does become a distant. Right. Do you unconsciously bring that in your present? Like some of us don't even realize that that's what we're doing. and I say this because we're always talking about how people do us wrong, but what if somebody wants to come in and do you? Right? What some, what if somebody has came in to do you Right? You probably can't even see it because you're so focused on what your ex did. You don't know how to receive anything. You don't. Yeah. And, and this is, I mean, seriously, like I was a woman. I used to be like, I, I don't trust nobody. I ain't asking nobody for no help. Like that was me. Right? But it made me resentful because I would be there for everybody else and then nobody was there for me. But if I'm always making that be my declaration, then what's the expect. And so I had to like really con, and this is a conscious thing, right? For those who are listening. This wasn't something that I just woke up and did. I had to learn how to receive. I had to learn how to say, yeah, you know what? This is what I do need from you. I had to learn that skill. Mm-hmm. And so forgiveness is so important because I believe that it's frees us in so many ways when we don't forgive. It's not even about how you feel. I know it hurts. It is more, it's, it's more of a benefit to you as the individual, not them. it is in the long run. It is. Yeah. It is. I was a grudge holder and it did a lot to me physically by not forgiving. And that's the thing that people understand. it starts to impact your physical health when you don't forgive. Right. You start to feel. and that's where we have to kind of take inventory of the weight that we're carrying. Mm-hmm. And be mindful who we're talking to as well. Seriously. But forgiving yourself is so important. Self-forgiveness is something that we don't talk about. We always talk about forgiving other people, but we never talk about forgiving others ever. And it's, I mean, forgiving yourself and that I think will. Understand why having empathy is understanding. It's not saying it's okay. It's like, you know, sometimes when you find out what your ex experience, maybe from their childhood, you do have more empathy. Like, I get why they could be acting the way they did, but that doesn't mean you deserved it. So let me be clear like you didn't deserve it. Understand, it just gives you clarity and say, I can understand why they may have acted like that they didn't have a relationship. Maybe with their mom or, or maybe they had a dynamic with both parents that were abusive. Yeah. Right. These are things that people see and witness and it impacts them in ways that they don't even see it. So true. Yeah. Tanya, last but not least, what advice would you give to someone who is struggling to let go of their. Host divorce. And how can they now shift their focus to the future and create that vision for their life that you made for yours? And now that you're living every single day? That's a really good question. I'm gonna say for the person who's having difficulty letting go. Yeah. I think one of the biggest things is allowing yourself to get the. I think we sleep on that a lot. I think we minimize the importance of help um, because there's something that, cuz I can tell you, you gotta accept it. That's easy for me to say that. But you need the help to get to learning how to accept it, learning how to detach, learning how to realize that this was a chapter of my life and not the entire book and it's my right to rewrite another script. And sometimes we just need the help doing. You know, and I think that part is underrated because like you said, you meet a lot of women who we, we take pride in figuring things out. We take pride in attempting to do it on our own. And I'm not here to knock that superpower cuz I think it's a superpower, but I also think it can hurt you when you're unable to identify, when you can't figure it out. Mm. Right. And sometimes we'll, we'll we think time heals cuz people say, time heals our wounds. But it doesn't. It's what you do with the time that heals the wound. Yeah. And so it's important in my humble opinion, like when you see that your thoughts and emotions are like on this, on replay, and I want people to think about this cuz a lot of the time we confuse social media with certain things. I'm not talking about social media. Look, I'm not talking about you even being around your friends. I'm talking about when you're by yourself. And you're in your thoughts. What's going on? What are you thinking? What are you feeling? And if that is a continuous thing and you don't, it's not improving, then I recommend people getting the help. Cuz what you don't wanna do is wake up a year from now and still find yourself in the same situation. It is easy to do and it happens year after year for many, many, many people. It does more than maybe we want to admit these things. Hurt the heart. The heart is very delicate. It's more than just pumping blood, right? It radiates energy and a lot of the time it's not something that we can see, but it's definitely something we feel. Mm, and it shows up in different ways. Like I can even tell people at my job, you could tell that they're hurt, just how they lead. So when you think that people don't see it, they say it. It impacts everything. So that's why it's so important to, to work on this part right here and work on this here. A lot of us women we're high achievers. we're go-getters, we're ambitious women and sometimes it's hard to like realize that we need help too, because we take pride in being the woman of many hats superwoman, like, burn that Cape honey and have a funeral with it and get the help you. I'm glad you say that because my therapist keeps pointing out to me. She says, you heal it in your head, but you do not heal it in your heart. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I just wanna see more and more people. Intelligently work through these things because sometimes the advice out here can just be really awful advice. And it comes from hurt people and so what happens is when you, when hurt people give her advice, it just kind of like spreads like a virus. And so, I did an episode a while back, episode 88, on how breakups and divorce can impact your mental health. Mm. And from a scientific perspective the emotional pain of a heartbreak is just as equivalent to a physical pain of course. Right? So, and also that you know, the same mechanisms in the brain that get activated when addicts are withdrawn from substances like cocaine and opioids. heartbreaks are a real thing. People can literally almost die from a heartbreak. Many do. So that's why I encourage people to get the help and heal that wound that we might not necessarily physically see, but we feel. Mm-hmm. I, I take this very seriously. I love what I do. I can tell I do. I love what I do and I love to see women. Thrive moving forward and living their life. Yeah. That makes me happy. I wanna give you a quick minute to plug your program. For anyone listening today, who is the best person to take your 12 week course and when is the next time they could start, et cetera, et cetera? The best person to take my 12 week course in full honesty mm-hmm. Is a woman who's ready to do the work. With all due respect. I know some people are in different stages because like sometimes when people are just exiting, they may not be in an emotional space to do the work. No, hell no. Right. I mean, it's just the facts. Mm-hmm. And so for that particular program, you wouldn't be, it wouldn't work. Mm-hmm. Right? This is for the woman who's like, okay, I know leaving was the safest decision, but I'm secretly having difficulty like getting. I feel guilty as a parent. I find myself in mediocre relationships, you know? And so I don't prioritize my needs. I don't honor my boundaries, and they are aware of that. And now it's like, now that I'm aware, let me get the help so I can manage it. Now. That's the woman that I'm looking for. I'm looking for the woman who's willing to invest in herself because this is an in. And I want her to, she no excuses for showing up. Like this is your self-care, meaning that when we meet, you put this on your calendar and you make it absolutely non-negotiable. That's the woman that I'm looking for, but I also do two hour one-on-ones to kind of help people who might not necessarily be there just yet. But there are other things that I can. That I can offer them or they can even buy my book. Mm-hmm. Or listen to my podcast. So there are other ways to still get some form of help no matter where you are. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And where can they find you before I let you go? Okay. You can find me out here on Instagram. I'm out here in these social media streets. I always call it that. My Instagram is, I am Tanya Carter, my Facebook is Tanya Carter, and then my website is Tanya Carter dot. Tanya, thank you so much for being on. I remember when we chatted earlier in this week, I was like, please record this week. I'm excited to get this conversation going. I think a lot of people think that divorce is something you go through when you have teenage kids and you're in their fifties, but like you and I talked about, I know girls my age that are in my circles that have recently called off engagements have recently gotten out of 12 year relationships. It's a similar heartbreak, So for anyone listening today, I hope you take some of this in because Tanya has already walked through it. And now we see her on the other side and just trust that it will get better. So Tanya, thank you so much. Thank you. I appreciate it. Did you know that I'm not only a podcast host, but in my full-time career, I met Toronto based real estate agent. If you are someone, you know, is a busy professional looking to get into the Toronto real estate market, I highly recommend reaching out to me. You can go directly to my website@wwwdotjenelletremblant.com. And you can click the let's talk button to book a call with me. I work with buyers, renters, and sellers in the downtown and east end areas. So don't hesitate to reach out to me and I would love to help you find your next home. And in the meantime, we'll see you here back next week.