Rewiring Your Brain To Break Relationship Patterns with Adele Spraggon Artwork

Ebb and Glow

Welcome to Ebb and Glow — the podcast that shows you how everyday people are taking on life’s ups and downs and coming out better than before. Your host, Jenelle Tremblett, will be with you weekly and with special guests, to chat about everything from careers, relationships, mindset, and everything in between. Are you tired of only seeing the highlight reel? Me too. This podcast will instead be peeking behind the curtain to reveal all the steps, pep talks, and glasses of wine that must happen before we become strong, confident, and resilient.

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Ebb and Glow

Rewiring Your Brain To Break Relationship Patterns with Adele Spraggon

June 21, 2023 • Jenelle Tremblett • Episode 138

#138. This episode introduces the concept of re-patterning in relationships, emphasizing self-care, understanding the brain's functioning, and taking responsibility for patterns to foster positive changes and healthier connections with others.

Guest, Adele Spraggon shares her personal journey of dealing with anxiety and her constant search for self-help solutions. Despite trying various therapies and practices, she still struggled with panic attacks. Adele eventually realized that the problem might lie in the way our brains are wired.

Today, Adele Spraggon is an award-winning author, thought leader, international trainer, and a fearless speaker. She has been awarded the 2020 Woman of Inspiration Award and in 2021 she was recognized as the Top Behavioural Expert of the Year.

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Welcome to the ebb and glow podcast. I'm your host, Janelle Tremlett. And I'm a firm believer that even when life doesn't go as planned, it is taking you exactly where you're meant to be on this podcast. I'm here to help you finally release control of what you think you want and begin to just trust in the ebbs and flows of life. Each week, I will show you how to build that positive mindset radiate with self confidence and cultivate an unshakeable resilience. Let me prove to you that even when life ebb. You will glow. Hello everyone. And welcome to episode 1 38 of the ebb and glow podcast. In this podcast episode with my guest Adele, we discussed the concept of repatterning in relationships. The approach presented by Adele differs from traditional couple of counseling, which focuses on improving communication and adjusting behaviors. instead, a Dell encourages individuals to prioritize themselves and remove patterns of suffering caused by feeling unheard or reject it. The episode emphasizes that when both partners work on repatterning, it becomes beneficial for conflict resolution. In this conversation as well. I bring up a personal example and Adele walks me through what to do and how to rewire my brain and choose a different way of communicating and avoiding reacting in the future because for me, As I say, in this episode, if someone's pissing me off and I see a text message come through, or I hear what they have to say. I barely even read the response, like I'm ready to go in to them. And I don't know where that comes from. Maybe it's because I've already been thinking a lot about it and I've already kind of. Ended, whatever the situation is in my mind, I've already kind of written them off and I'm definitely the person that when it comes to fight or flight, I'm a flight. Like I just walk away, close the door. So talking to a Dell in this episode Gave me some better ideas on how to re pattern the conflict in my life. You'll notice in this episode, we talk a lot about how the brain works and that's because the reason why Adele knows so much about repatterning and conflict resolution is because she studied the brain so much. So. If you're the type of person that likes to nerd out on that stuff, you're going to love this episode. My guest Adele spragging is an award winning author thought leader, international trainer, and a fearless speaker. She has been awarded the 2020 woman of inspiration award. And in 2021, she was recognized as the top behavioral expert of the year. Drawing on the most recent findings in brain research. Along with inspiring stories of breakthroughs and triumphs from her coaching clients. Adele demonstrates that no matter how conflicted at relationship is there is a way to fall in love again, by learning how to identify and upgrade your brain patterning. when you finish listening to this episode make sure to check out a Dell's website To learn more about her four step repatterning technique and also grab a copy of her book Okay without further ado let's jump into the episode and make sure to share it with a friend Adele, welcome to the show. Thank you, Janelle. Happy to be here. I have my own dating conflicts happening that I probably could use your advice on. Brilliant. Love it. But I first wanna ask you, which I like to ask all guests, is what's going on these days? Anything that's happening currently that you're struggling with or is kind of giving you a setback at all? Personally I'm in the middle of a big move right now. I'm, I'm moving on Thursday next week, and so, goodness, I'm trying to pad and my whole house is just in chaos, so like everybody has moved and knows what happens. I've been in this house for almost 30 years, so you can just imagine. The amount of stuff that has been accumulated over the decades. So yeah, that's my current little struggle. But it'll all be done by next week one way or another. What is the motivation for moving? Are you moving out of state? No um, actually I, I purchased my dream property. I've always wanted my own retreat center and I've purchased 76 acres. So hoping to turn it into something really remarkable, like somewhere that the community can come to. And yeah, so I'm really, really excited about it, but it's a massive change. Very cool. So where are you located now and where will you be moving? So I'm in Markham, which I'm in Ontario, Canada. Yes. So Markham is just outside of Toronto. Most people know Toronto, and I'm moving about 50 minutes. So, middle of an open field, put it that way. The, the smallest town. It, it has one grocery store. That's it. And, and they roll up all the sidewalks on Mondays. So we, we went there on Monday to view the house, went to go out for dinner and everything was closed. It wasn't a single thing open. So it's gonna be some adjustment. Adele, it's only dawning on me. Now. Did I know the last time we talked that you were Canadian? I don't know. I'm not sure. No, I live in Toronto. You've know that right? You, you're from Toronto? I live in Toronto. I'm down the water. I live in Toronto. Oh my gosh. I don't think we talked about that the last time we talked. That's why I asked like out of state, because majority of my podcast guests are from the States. So I just assumed you're just moving to a smaller state. No, you're just literally 40 minutes north of me. Oh, that's so funny. So I'm moving to Ponti Pool. I don't know if you've ever heard of it. Ah. No, no, no, no. I'll have to look it up on a map. you'll find this funny, rural Ontario makes me really anxious. It makes me feel really claustrophobic. Really the opposite, right? Yes. You think urban would make, so I'm uh, I'm from the East coast, so I'm so used to water. So when I don't see water, it makes me really nervous. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. you'll, yeah. Moving is really, really stressful, especially when you're getting in the packing stages. But like you said, next week it'll be all done and you will love it, I'm sure. Yes. Looking forward to it. So my first question for you, so for all of our audience, as you read the title and the show notes, you'll know what this episode is about. But we really wanna talk about, in this episode, the topic of re-patterning. And I feel like that's such a funny word to say sometimes, but, we get so caught up in how things are, and for instance, for a good example, if you have conflict within relationships, there's sometimes, as you know with your clients that are long-term married, you think. There's no way this is gonna ever get better, but through all the work that you've done and studied and coached people, you've learned that just by changing our patterns, you can completely have a different narrative and a different outlook on things. So I'm super excited to chat to you about that today. But I wanna take you all the way back, because you were the type of person that was so into the self-help world. You did tons of therapy, but you still felt that the areas of your life that you weren't happy with, wasn't changing. So if you wanna bring us all back to your days of quitting, constantly, people pleasing the perfection and where we are today. Yes. Oh, it was such a time of terrible anxiety for me. I, I mean, Janelle, I, I would have panic attacks almost every day, almost every single day. I was panicking. I had such a high level of anxiety. I grew up in a, a quite traumatic home, and it just left me with a lot of traumas. That I was trying to deal with. And as, as you mentioned, I was doing therapy. I did 10 years of therapy. I was doing, I was now a meditation facilitator cause I had learned how to meditate. I had sat on the meditation cushion for over 20 years. I was a Kundalini yoga instructor cuz I was trying yoga to free myself of this anxiety. I was doing everything I possibly could and it helped. Everything helped a little bit, but I still wasn't free. I was still having these high levels of panic attacks every day, and so eventually I said to myself, it can't be me. I finally woke up and I finally said, wait a minute. I am doing everything that every person, every self-help suggestion out there on the market. If it's out there, I've done it, and I thought, there's gotta be something wrong with our operating instructions. There has to be something wrong with the way that we're taught about how our human brain works and how the mind works and how the mind and body interact. And so I decided I was gonna go to university and I was gonna learn how does this human brain of ours work? How does it really work? And I didn't wanna take neuroscience or anything like that because I really wanted a fresh perspective. I. And sure enough, I came away with my master's in humanities, and I knew what was the problem. I understood the problem fundamentally. And so I started to devise my own personal development method, and I started to use it on myself. And within six weeks I was looking inside of myself for the panic, and I couldn't find it. And I went, oh my gosh, like I've done it. I'm actually free. Then this idea of quitting, because quitting was one of the ways that I handled the anxiety. Whenever the anxiety got too much, I would just turn tail and run and I started to look again for this idea of quitting and that was gone. I was free of that and I went, okay, I gotta be onto something here. But I didn't know quite yet if it was just me or if I, if I could teach it. So I gathered a whole bunch of people and I said, come on, let's give this a try. And they started to get results and then more people started to get results. And then I started to spread it globally. Cause I took it online and they started to get results and I went, okay, we've done it. I've finally figured out the core problem to conflict, internal and external. And since then I've been teaching this method for 12 years. And it is truly remarkable. Truly remarkable. I mean, couples that are on the verge of divorce. They learn about patterns. They learn how to change their patterns, and they are completely transformed. Their relationship is transformed. They themselves are transformed, and it, it honestly is like falling madly in love again with yourself and with it, with your partner. So my question to you on that is, at what point, like, cuz you quit multiple businesses before you finally said, As you said, this can't be me anymore. I've done everything. There has to be something deeper. So it's just amazing to me that you wake up one day and you, you say, this isn't me anymore, and it has to be maybe the brain. And what really interests me is you learn about the brain. Yes. But it almost seems like something just switches and it seems very automatic. So just describe it to me, like, if you're quitting businesses all the time, what deeper inside of your brain finally changes? Yeah. I have come through reflection, through reflecting on what happened. I've come to understand what happened. I didn't understand it at the time, but everybody has had those spontaneous flashes of insight, right? Those moments where you just go. Oh my gosh. I now understand what the issue is and I understand what it is that I've done up until this point. And what's actually happening is your brain has, has rewired itself spontaneously and provided you that flash of insight. If we could look at your brain just before that flash of insight, you would see that through neuroplasticity, your brain has changed its wiring slightly so. That's what I discovered. I I, from that flash of insight that I had, I went, oh, that's what has to proceed. Every change. If we don't learn how to change the pattern in our brain that is delivering the belief that we hold, we cannot come to a new belief. And so that's what I did when I created this technique. I created a technique that would rewire the brain first. Then the flash of insight comes, your solution comes. And so, you know, it's actually just working the way that the brain works. But it's not been until modern brain research that we even thought about our brain when it comes to these spontaneous flashes of insight. Right? Before they would just. Spiritual or just something that was there or, or just happenstance. And nobody thought, well, what's actually going on internally that's caused that to happen? And so that is the new research that's coming out in neuroscience, and that's what's really, really exciting. We can put this tool in our pocket because the brain is internal to us, and as long as we know how the brain works, we can learn to work with it. And when we do, wow, the things that we can create are tremendous. Well, it often leads someone if, if, for your example, if you're constantly quitting and failing businesses, it leads you to go down a path of identifying yourself as I'm a quitter. And then that's right. Once you have that pattern in the brain. Sealed shut. I mean, I'm sure that one's hard to rewire and unravel. That's right. And what, what I discovered that I had to do was remove that pattern first. It's not good enough to just say to yourself, okay, no. Like I was like, I am a quitter. And then just try and convince yourself that you're not a quitter through affirmations or things like that. That's not very, very effective. It works a little bit, but the pattern for I'm a quitter still lives in your brain. So what I discovered is, no, I have to subtract that. I have to remove that problem and remove that problem by removing the underlying brain pattern. Once I did that, I was no longer a quitter. That's why I couldn't find the desire to quit inside of me because it didn't exist in me anymore, and that's the massive difference. And the same is true in couples who are in conflict. Since we're talking about couples, if you're fighting about something all the time and that fight just keeps arising over and over and over again it's because you have a pattern in your brain that just keeps driving that conflict repeatedly. So remove it. stop fighting it, and let's just start to subtract it from your brain and it'll just melt away. It seems that it allows you as the individual to reinvent who you are and you get to choose again, and also in within conflict with someone else. It allows you to say, let's restart. Let's choose a different narrative here. Let's choose a different story and hopefully get to a different outcome. But it sounds so easy. It it's very, Simple, but simple isn't easy. Okay. Yeah. So what I teach is extremely simple, but our mind loves to overcomplicate things. Mm. And it loves to look for the source of things. So one of the things that I really had to recognize was that. I kept trying to deal with everything the way that I had been taught to deal with it. So let's look at how you are taught to make a change. You have a conflict with your spouse or your partner and you're trying to deal with that conflict and you're taught to look for, where does that conflict originate? What happened in your childhood that makes you think this way? What is your partner doing that has you react in this way? And we're always looking for the cause to the effect. Okay. What I realized was that search for the cause actually is, is causing me to identify with that pattern. Okay. The more I could find what was happening that led me to how I was reacting, the more I was actually trapped inside that reaction. And I had to stop looking for that cause because as soon as I found something, it justified how who I was being. Okay. So if I was a quitter and I had a A belief in my past about something that happened in my childhood that caused me to quit. Now, I was doubly identified with being a quitter. I not only had the problem of quitting, but I had the problem for my childhood that led me to quit. So all of that, I had to just deconstruct. Okay. I had to just let go of all of those stories within myself and deal with just the pattern for quitting. That is freedom. if you can stop looking for what is my partner doing that causes me to react like this and just deal with your reaction, now you're empowered. But if you have to rely on the other person to change what they're doing before you can be empowered. Now you're always disempowered in some way. So when I teach as a method, just to remove what you're doing. It's, it never ceases to amaze me of how the universe always puts the people in your path that you need to talk to. In this moment, it gets freakier, and freakier to me every single day. I swear, every time I have a podcast guest on whatever we're talking about really relates to whatever I was going through in that week. you're giving me ideas of how to solve this conflict. I've been dealing with conflict with with a guy for the past couple weeks, and I swear to God, we are having two different conversations. You know when that happens. Yes. And you're like, are we not even arguing about the same thing anymore? Every time you read or hear one of the responses you think, Who, what are you talking about and who are you talking to? We are having two different arguments, so, and then I. As I'm listening to you now, I am an analytical person. I'm a logical person, and I am the type of person within any type of relationship that wants to over-communicate where I say, can you just help me understand why you are upset? So then I can adapt. And so now you're telling me why are you thinking about how they're being and, and what the cause is and whatnot. Why don't you just react differently? And I'm like, huh, maybe. But for me, my instant pivot is to just not react at all and almost to avoid. So how do I choose? Either a different reaction or not to react at all? I don't know. That is a great question. How do we choose to react differently when we're reacting a certain way? I. It's actually the wrong focus because we, our mind believes that it has free will. Our mind. I'm gonna, I'm gonna be your best use case right now. Okay. Excellent. Anyone who needs to do this work after, I'm gonna be the best example because, yeah, let's keep going. Perfect. See, our, our, our brain really believes that it has free will, that our brain really believes that it can make choices. It can't. I'm just gonna be straight with you guys. It cannot, the patterns are in control. So when our brain has a brain pattern, it is that brain pattern that is taking your action, not you. Okay? So let's separate you from your brain patterns for a minute. So you have a pattern that's analytical and that wants to ask the question why. And that pattern, you'll notice it. It immediately moves in in that direction, right? Mm-hmm. And if we could slow your brain right down, if we could hook your brain up to a brain scanner, here's what you would see. You would see yourself making a decision a fraction of a second before you know you're gonna make that decision. I'm gonna say that again. It's really, really important. Your, your brain scanner would know what you are gonna do a fraction of a second before you do. Somewhere in your brain. There is something firing in the subconscious regions that is driving the action that you're just about to take. So let's stop fighting ourselves all the time. Okay. We live in a world of blame and shame. We live in a world that says, well, I know that I shouldn't be doing that, therefore I shouldn't do it. And frankly, that's just not true. Okay. Just knowing something is not going to free you if that action, just knowing that quitting wasn't. Working for me didn't stop me from quitting. So we have to remove Yeah, because that's why we're upset, you know, that quitting is bad. It's like I, I'm well aware that quitting is not serving me. Yes. But I'm, I don't know why I'm not changing anytime soon. That's right. That's right. And you're well aware that that text that you're just about to send probably will lead to conflicts if you really stop and slow down and think about it. But heck, Hit send. That's what happens, right? Adele. When I get the text in, I read four words of the paragraph and I already have a response. Yes, yes, exactly, exactly. I didn't even need to see the text come in and I already knew what I was gonna respond. That's right. So, so I, I always suggest that we start from this position of not what should I do, but what am I doing? So, And does it work? Okay, so that's our first question. Let's stop asking what do I need to do? What am I doing and does it work? And when I suggest does it work, what, what I'm really asking is, does it work for everybody? Does it work for you and does it work for your partner? Okay. And if it doesn't work, then let's stop trying to solve it and let's instead just remove it. Remove the action that you're taking. All right. Now I have a four step technique that will do that for you, so you don't have to worry about that. You just have to apply the technique. Once you apply the technique, then you'll stop taking that action. You'll stop analyzing. You'll stop asking why. At that point, your brain will do something remarkable. Remember, I mentioned initially those spontaneous flashes of insight, those spontaneous moments where you, you just do something and the solution is right there. Your brain has that capacity. Okay, in you lies, answers that you don't even know that you have right now. Because let me tell you something remarkable about your brain. From the time that you were born, your brain has been storing in the subconscious regions of your brain. Everything that you have ever seen, heard, tasted, smelled, and touched in your lifetime. And you know this because have you ever had like a smell, for example, and you've s smelled something and you've been instantly transported in memory back in time? Okay. That is your brain's vast warehouse, I like to call it. And you as all of that material, all of that fodder, all of that grist for the mill that we can use inside of a new pattern. To get to that, we have to get out of our own way. We have to remove what we're currently doing. As soon as we let go of the pattern that is running, our brain is gonna tap into that vast warehouse to pull out the optimal solution for you. And that optimal solution is gonna not only take care of you, it will take care of the people around you. Okay. And there's a reason for that and I explain that in all of my, in my book and in my courses. And we can go into it now if you want, Janelle, but just know that that capacity Yeah. Is where your brain lies, and we need to access that capacity. So bring me back to my initial question. What do I do instead of reacting? Yeah, so what you do is instead of reacting, you identify your pattern. So let's go through the four steps and I'll tell you exactly what you need to do. Now, you won't be able to do it right now because it takes a little bit of time to learn, but I can give you like at least the first step because even just the first step is hugely empowering. So, okay, here you are. You're gonna react, right? You see the text, you know exactly what's what the rest of the text is gonna say, and you know exactly how you're reacting. So drop into the body, ask yourself the following question, what am I feeling? Where am I feeling it? And what one thought is going through my mind. Okay, so you've already told me the thought. The thought seems to be we're not even having the same conversation here. That's the first thing that your brain thinks. Right? Okay. And that what is the emotion? Um, The emotion if we're not having the same conversation, I feel very unheard and dismissed. Exactly. So the emotion is dismissed, unheard, rejected. Yep. All of that stuff. Right. And you'll notice that there's a physical reaction that goes along with that emotion. Like I, I get instant headaches where like headaches, my back hurts, like my neck. I hold all my pain in like my jaw, my head, my shoulders, that kind of thing. Yep. Brilliant. Okay, so there's a, there's a constriction all through here. Oh, okay. Fantastic. That is a pattern. So a pattern is an intertwined physical sensation, emotion, and thought. When our brain runs down one of those pathways, you will be able to identify what you're feeling, where you're feeling it, and one thought that is going through your mind and from that pattern flows your action. Okay, so that is step one. We just did step one. It is that simple. Identify the pattern. The next thing to do is to recognize that that is a pattern that is arising in your brain. We tend to think of the world as if that situation is causing that reaction, right? So we look at the situation as being the cause of how we're feeling or what we're thinking. We need to flip that. The cause is the pattern in our brain. Okay, and once we know that, now, how do we know that? Well, Janelle, you will probably be reacting differently than anybody else on this planet when it comes to that text. Okay. You may. Yes. Right. It's funny to think about that where, yeah, it's sometimes, especially if you give, if you show the exact same conversation to a friend later and get their opinion right away, they're like, I don't understand why you read that text in that way. Like, that's not how I see it. Exactly. And I think, huh. Okay. Exactly, and that's because your brain is wired differently than your friend's brain. It's not because you're wrong and they're right, or they're right and you're wrong. It's nothing to do with that. It is just simply because you both have different pattern wiring in your brain. Okay? So to know that allows us to flip the switch. So step two is to own this as a pattern, and that's simply just to say to yourself, okay, that appears to be happening out there, but I know I created that. I'm creating my reaction. I'm creating how I'm viewing the situation. I'm creating my perspective, my interpretation. So when we can flip that switch, you'll notice if you can, if you can just say it gently to yourself. I created that, and it's a very gentle thing. It's not done with self-blame, it's just, okay. At some point in my past, a pattern got created in my brain that is reacting in this way. Now you're empowered. Up until then, you're disempowered, but as soon as you can own it, suddenly there's a, there's a sense of, okay. I'm able to respond to that now. I'm able to do something about that now. Something different than I did before. So that's step two. The third step is tricky for me to explain. It's simple to do, but it is tricky for me to explain. So I suggest, if you want get my book, it's free. It's on my website. The third step is to deconstruct the pattern. Okay, we are going to tease it apart. Remove it from your brain. Okay. And how we do that, and again, this is gonna sound trickier than, than it is, is we're gonna put it back into just a sensation. Just an emotion. Just a thought. Because it's the intertwining that's driving your action. So if we can tease that pattern apart, Emotions come and go all the time. Thoughts come and go over the all the time. they don't create a cause in your action. It's when the intertwining happens that you react. So we're gonna tease it apart. That's step three. And then, and only then are we in a position to create a new pattern to tap into that vast warehouse, to allow the brain to do what it brilliantly does, which is create a solution which takes care of both of you. Okay? And in your case, Janelle, what I can see would clearly happen is you would actually be reading that text differently. How you're interpreting it would change. That would be the first thing you'd change. And the second thing that would change is, is you'd just be very curious about what your partner is saying. Like, I can see that that would be an optimal response rather than trying to uh, judge it or understand it, you would just get, there would just be curiosity there. Mm-hmm. So that typically is what tends to happen inside of a couple who is in conflict. The person who is doing the re-patterning gets a lot more curious and a lot less mm-hmm. Personal. It's a lot less about you and more about what's going on. What happens though when you do switch to that more curiosity and you want to understand why they're upset and why they're angry without holding any judgment or anyone being right or wrong, and the person that you're in conflict with just wants to shut it down. They're just, they say, I'm tired of having this conversation. I've explained myself, but they're. They're not even wanting you to understand them. It, it's clear that you don't understand. You still don't get it, even though you want to understand and then not repeat the same pattern next time. But what happens when they just shut it down and they feel like they've said it all, basically, they don't wanna communicate. Yeah. So, They have their own patterns. Right. And they're likely not wanting to come. Yeah, I, I've, I can clearly see that. Yes. Okay. Fuck. Sometimes it's very helpful if a couple of I see there are patterns more clear than I can see my own. Always. Always. That is true. Of course. Okay, so a couple of things happen when we re-pattern. First of all, it, it's most helpful. If a couple is in conflict to have both of you work on re-patterning, okay? Mm-hmm. So what I teach is very different from normal couple counseling. Normal couple Counseling is all about learning to communicate better and about learning to adjust your behavior to fit your partner's behavior, okay? Or to support your partner in communicating with you, okay? Or being with you. Sadly, that actually is a source of a lot of conflict, a lot more conflict than is an necessary. I like to say to every person in any relationship, be selfish. Just be totally selfish. Take care of you. Remove the suffering that is caused in you. Like that feeling of I'm unheard, I'm, I'm being rejected here. Right. I think you used a different word. Dismissed. I think you said remove that All of the above. Okay. And let the, let the optimal pattern take care of you and take care of the other person. So that's fundamental. Don't worry about them. Worry about you. Okay? And as long as you're working the tool, you will manage, you will take care of the situation, you will take care of the relationship. That said, here you are, you're in a relationship with a, with somebody who now is, doesn't want to listen to you, just doesn't want to communicate, okay, great. You will be reacting to that. So when you remove that pattern, that reaction will go away. How you're reacting right now, Janelle, and this isn't said with any blame, okay? This is just how the patterns are, are working. How you're reacting right now is you keep leaning in wanting him to communicate more. And actually what's happening is that's causing him to pull away because he is a non communicator. So the more you move in, the more he moves this way, and then I, I'm sure what's likely happening. What typically happens in a relationship such as yours, is when you pull back, he pulls in. He moves towards you. No, I have no interest in this. Pulling back and game playing, I'll tell you that much. Know I'm leaving and closing the door. I I got it. I got it. Yes, yes, yes. But yes, you are correct. And the moment you pulled back they're like, oh wait, let's communicate. Okay, great. Awesome. Yeah, that, that's typically what happens, right? So what will happen when you remove the pattern is something unexpected. We cannot know yet what it is that you, Janelle, are going to do once you have removed the pattern. But I can promise you it will be nothing that you've done in the past that we know. Because everything that you've done in the past is done by an existing pattern in your brain. And so when you remove the existing pattern that is causing the conflict, you will do something that will surprise you and it will surprise him. And in that new. Action that you take, his brain is going to have to adjust. Okay? So, and create a new pattern. Yes. His brain is going to be forced to create a new pattern and then there is where the magic is gonna happen. Because right now, whatever you two are going to determine to do in the future will be something that you have done in the past, and therefore you can't solve the problem. Right. Okay, great. So what we need is the unexpected. What we need is something surprising, something that you don't know you're gonna do and something that he doesn't expect you to do. Mm, there is. That is magical. Absolutely magical because his brain, as I said, is going to adjust and force him to do something new as well. And so, you know, I like to tell every person you are the center gear in the machine. And what I mean by that is think of a, think of a machine and how all the gears are circulating around the center gear. And if you could just go in and gently turn that gear in the opposite of direction. Okay. Very gently, cuz if you do it too fast, you will blow the whole machine apart. But very gently, if you can move in and turn it, what you're doing is you're causing all the other gears to have to turn in the opposite direction as well. Mm. And that's the brilliance of re-patterning because you are gonna gently change your own patterns and as you do, you change everybody around you, not just him, but every person that you're in contact with. When you tried these techniques on yourself right from the beginning, what did you notice? What emotions were attached to the quitting and the constant perfectionism that you needed? For me, and I didn't know it at the time, it was only when I started to identify my patterns that I discovered this. I was a huge people pleaser. If I ever thought that I had, even if I even suspected that I had upset somebody, panic would arise in me. So if somebody yeah, looked at me sideways, I would feel this high level of anxiety. Like I said, I didn't know that was under the source of my quitting, but what I realized in reflection was happening is I would start something, I would put it out there in the market. And somebody wouldn't be pleased with what I was doing and I would just, ugh, huge panic would overwhelm me and I would just quit and start again. Run back to the starting gate. Try a different thing. Well, of course, as you know, you can't please everybody. In fact, if you try end up pleasing nobody, which is exactly what I was doing. Yeah. And the person that's the most unhappy is you. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. I And, and could not figure it out, right? Not to the life of me. But once you start identifying your patterns, they become clearer and clearer and clearer. What happens is it's almost like anion. So we start with what we know. Okay, I'm in conflict, right? I'm reacting to this person. We remove that layer and then we get to a deeper layer, and then, oh, I see why I'm doing that. Oh, I've got this fear of being rejected. Oh my gosh, I don't feel unheard. And you'll realize that that actually has nothing to do with this individual, that it is there in other areas of your life as well. So you remove that pattern and then you get to the deeper level, and then the deeper level and the deeper level until eventually you're just brand new. nothing bothers you anymore. That's when you're winning. When nothing makes you triggered or react, it's, it's almost like you're watching a movie and you're outside it all After. Yeah. Yeah. Or you're just, you're fluid. You're, you're just flowing along with the life rather than resisting and reacting to life. Right? Yeah. So you're more in the moment rather than coming from the past and dragging your past into the present. That's what old patterns do, is they, they drag our past with us. Always know. Mm-hmm. You said something very interesting when we first spoke around, you learned that feelings are first. Thinking is last. And I know that all relates to what we're talking about, but if you wanna get further into that sentence. Yeah. I mean, if you think about how your brain is shaped it, it makes total logical sense. But we, we are taught that you think first, you feel second and you act third. And that's why this this idea that we can think positive is so prevalent on our market today. Okay? Mm-hmm. It's actually not true the way our brain is shaped. And if you just think about the way the brain is shaped, this makes total logical sense. The limbic system, the emotional center of the brain is closest to the brains, to the top of the spine, right? So the spinal column, all of the information is flowing in through the senses, coming in through your nervous system, and it's hitting that limbic system first. So you're feeling first. the thinking part of your brain sits on top of that and around that it, it was developed later in our evolution and it sits on top. And so from that limbic system, from that emotional center flows up upward and outwards into the thinking parts of your brain. So of course, we're thinking along the lines of, we're feeling how could we do anything different? Right? Mm. Like once you understand the shape of your brain, you go, oh yeah, of course. I feel first. And so every thought is just in support of that emotion. Now we start fighting ourselves. Well, I shouldn't feel that way. Well, okay, that's what I say. Okay, but that's how you feel. So why don't we just deal with how you feel, rather than fighting it and saying that you shouldn't. Right. Yeah, I found this sentence on your website very interesting when you, when you compare a lot of the left brain to the right brain, you say once you. Either blend them or switch more to your right brain and stop leaning so heavily on your left brain. You're able to communicate openly and spontaneously free of anger or apology. That part caught my attention a bit where I feel like. For me to diffuse conflict, I tend to apologize even if I don't need to, even if I'm apologizing for misunderstanding someone, or I'm sorry that I hurt you, it wasn't my intention. I feel like I'm definitely apologizing before anything, but it sounds like maybe that isn't the most productive thing to do. Yes, yes. Okay, so apologies. Great question. Why do we apologize? Well, typically, Janelle, as you just brilliantly said, we apologize to reduce conflict. That's our primary reason for apologizing. Once you understand that every action that you take is driven by a pattern in your brain, there's nothing that you need to apologize for. You're not choosing to take that action. You didn't make that decision. Your brain made that decision on your behalf. So, At a fundamental level, there is no apology that is needed in the space. As long as you're willing to own that, it's your pattern. You don't need to apologize now. Do I apologize? Yes, because the other person needs me to apologize. Not because I feel apologetic. It's very different. Okay. But if I've recognized that I've hurt somebody, I'm willing to go, okay, I have a pattern that did that. I have a pattern that just hurt somebody. I own it. I deconstruct it so that I never do that again. Okay. Mm-hmm. An apology is almost saying, all right, I admit that I'm wrong and I will try not to do it again. But if you still have the pattern in your brain, you will always do it again. You have no choice. Okay? And it's very rare that willpower works. So those people who are thinking, well, I can just will myself into not doing that again. I'm sorry, but good luck. Cause the brain will just keep doing it anyway. So let's do away with this idea that you can make choices. And instead go, okay, I have a pattern that just hurt somebody. Wow. I am able to respond to that. I will take responsibility for that. I am able to deconstruct that. Now what will happen? Well, what will happen is this, you will be speaking to inform, not to fix. An apology is a desire to fix something that appears broken. I broke something, I apologize. I'm sorry. I did that. Speaking to inform sounds like this. Wow, what? I really did it. It really just hurts you. And I want you to know that I recognize that I, what I said was, was not correct and I'm working on that. I commit to you that I'm gonna change that. Okay. And you have an ability to change that now because you have the re-patterning technique to change it. So it's not like you're lying. It's not like you're trying to get outta something. You are actually going to go and deal with it. Now, sometimes the other person, as I said, they really do still need you to say you're sorry. That's fine. Say you're sorry, but still go away and work on the pattern. So that you never do that again. And, and it's not even that you're never doing it for their sake. You're never doing it for your sake. You're never doing it so that you ever need to apologize again. See the difference, okay? Mm-hmm. Because when I was always apologizing, it was, it was because I felt bad. I was suffering. So remove that internal suffering, remove the pattern that did it so that you never suffer again, and then no apology is needed. What if you're not sorry though? What if they're upset by maybe a personality trait of yours that you actually really like about yourself? Or maybe they're upset because you're putting a boundary up and saying, I'm not available at this time. I'm busy and they're upset that you're busy, but you're not sorry for being busy. So if somebody says to me, Adele, you are such and such, and I either know that to be true or I don't. So let's say in your case, you know that to be true. So your partner says to you, Janelle, you're never available when I need you. I am aware of that. Thank you for letting me know. Right, and that's, it's nothing that you wanna change. So that would be your response. I appreciate, yeah, you recognizing that in me and yeah, you're right. There are times where I'm not gonna be available to you. thank you for sharing your opinion. Thank you for sharing what you know about me. Now, let's say that the opposite is true and somebody says, wow, Janelle, you're a real beat. Like, and you don't know that, right? Then you turn around and you say, oh, well thank you for sharing that. I didn't know that about myself. I'll take care of that. Okay. What are you saying? I'm gonna go and remove my reaction to what you just said. That's all you're saying. Okay. You're not saying I'll take care of being a B. You're saying I'm gonna remove my reaction to what you just said about me being a B. Thank you for letting me know. I'll take care of that. Okay. You can do the same thing. Interest when they say, well, you're never available for me. Yeah, thank you for letting me know. Okay. I knew that about myself. I'll take care of that. What you're saying is I'll take care of the pattern that is reacting to what you're saying right now. Good. Now you're empowered. So what you're telling me is you don't want me to say I know that about me and I'm not changing. so here's the thing about Repa and this, this is um, a little advanced, so I'm, I'm gonna hope that everybody listening can get what I'm about to just say. If it doesn't work for everybody, it doesn't work, but that doesn't make you wrong. Okay? So this. You are not there for me. Janelle spoken by your partner. That's not working for that person. Okay? That doesn't make you wrong, it just means that there's a, a clash between you two. There's two patterns that are misaligned, okay? Mm-hmm. You can still remove the pattern. I'm not there for the other person. It doesn't mean that you will be there for the other person. Okay. It just means that maybe they're telling you something that perhaps isn't working for the relationship, and perhaps a better optimal pattern is available if you can let go of the pattern that is not working for the other person. If it is correct that you are shouldn't be there for the other person, that they are just being too overly needy, you will remain. Not available. Okay. But your ability to communicate that will change in a way that the other person will be able to hear you. Okay? So you'll be able to communicate in a way that takes care of the other person and still protect yourself. The hardest thing in our world today is to recognize that we are part of the group, and that when we take care of ourself in an optimal way, we're actually taking care of everybody around us. That's really tricky because we live in a world that positions you and me as being two separate things, but really inside of brain patterns. There isn't the relationship between us that takes priority over the you, me, separate divide itself. Mm-hmm. You mentioned on your website that our individual and global problems all stem from the same issue, and that's an overdependence on the limits of the left brain. Yes. What do you mean by that? Whoa. That's a big topic. Janelle, you might have to have me back part two. I know. Sorry, you just opened a huge can of worms, but lemme, lemme do my best to try to explain something. Yeah, yeah. Okay. what we know now about the hemispheres of the brain is different from what we used to know in the past. The right hemisphere is all about the here and now. Okay. The right hemisphere is forever present. It is always deeply connected to what is going on here in this present moment. The left hemisphere is all about the past and the future. So the left hemisphere stores up patterns from the past and it uses that history, that past experience to predict the future. So it's constantly doing this. Okay, we have come to there. There's a whole lot. Like I said, you'll have to tell me about part two, but there's a whole lot that happens inside the left hemisphere, which is all about Separation division. It thinks very linearly. It thinks very analytically. It, it knows a whole bunch of stuff. And when we have prioritized that left hemisphere, which we have over history, and it's been happening since time beginning. Okay. The left hemisphere has been growing stronger and stronger and stronger. It's been come cut off from the present moment, cut off from the right hemisphere and in that cutting off we are well, we're causing a lot of problems on this planet. Okay. A massive amount of problems. When we get back to the right hemisphere, all of our social, political divide is going to melt away, but we need the whole brain in order to come up with those solutions. I find a lot of the stuff that we're discussing today is very similar to the teachings in a Course in Miracles. And if you're familiar at all with Maryanne Williamson, you remind me a lot of her, and mostly just within this conversation today. Oh, very cool. Oh, I love it. I'll have to check it out. Yeah, even just watching. Even just watch videos of her speaking about it, like instead of reading the whole book. But yeah, it's very, very similar types of like choosing again, like I'm in conflict. Let's choose a different reaction or not react at all. Let's sit back and almost detach and not react and see how this situation looks different. And it's phenomenal. Very cool. Phenomenal how simple it is sometimes. I have a couple more questions and then I'll let you go cause I know we're past our time. One of the biggest things when I asked you towards the end, like after everything you went through in your life well, and then studying the human brain and moving into this type of career, I. I asked like basically like when you look back, how has that made you glow today? And one of the things I thought you said that was interesting is you feel that you can relate to many of the problems that people go through because now you've been through something similar. If you wanna speak to that. Yes. I am so grateful for my past. I mean, I, I struggled so much, like many, many people on this planet today. You know, we're faced with a lot of traumas from the past. A lot of stuff that occurs in childhood, in early adulthood that leads us into this present moment. We are all suffering. That's not a bad thing. When we can remove that suffering, the, the level of compassion that becomes available is tremendous. And the level of opportunity to help others is huge. Because everything that people say to me, I can relate on one way or another. I have been through it. I have been addicted, I have had post-traumatic stress, I have had panic attacks. I have lived with mental illness. I have had, you know, I. Everything that somebody says, oh gosh, Adele, I don't know how to deal with this. I have in me a pattern that can relate, and that's amazing, and that comes from all of that suffering in my past. So, yeah, I, I'm just, I'm so grateful for everything that I went through, everything that at the time I thought would crush me. When we, when we come through it, it's like, oh, okay, now I see why that happened. Are you a big believer similar to me, that the world only gives you what it knows you can handle? I think that yes, absolutely. And I'll tell you why. Because your brain can handle a lot more than we are told it can handle, right? This brain of ours, we have not even begun to realize the incredible power that we have within ourself. We haven't even begun to realize it. We have been so busy judging ourselves and making ourselves wrong, and listening to that inner critic in each of us, that we have not begun to tap into the capacity of the human brain. And now we're just starting to understand that capacity and it's just gonna keep expanding. So yeah, absolutely. Learn how your brain works. Don't think that you're ever trapped inside that suffering. Know how to work the brain, the way the brain is functions, the way it's designed to work. And boy will you come through everything stronger, better, and just like, yeah, bring it on world. Go ahead. I can take it. Adele, for everyone who wants to connect with you after this episode, and I know you have your book on your website as a free copy plug your website, plug how they can connect with you and give us all the channels. Love it. So please, yeah, come to my website, adele spragging.com. Just google my name. You'll find me on Facebook, on Instagram, on LinkedIn, everywhere. Connect with me. Join our community. We are a community of pattern makers. We are a community that is actually going to change this world. And I'm not just saying that because together, when we know how to work our brain, we are unstoppable as human beings, absolutely unstoppable. So yeah, get in touch with me if you're suffering in any way. If you're in conflict let's work on those patterns. There's lots of free material on my website, free book, and you can join our community for a reasonable price. And. Get started, Adele, to close it off. What word do you want to go into the rest of the week? Embodying transformation. Transformation. Yes. Ah, that just gave me chills. Yep. my word this week has been pause. Oh, love it. Pause. Then transform. That's right. But holy, do I ever have to pause first? Oh my. Adele, thank you so much for being here for anyone, as Adele said, that's interested in re-patterning. And I know everyone listening today has something that they constantly do, whether they're reacting a certain way and whatever you're doing is not serving you. So go to Adele's website, get the free copy of her book, join her community, and start learning how to rewire your brain. So Adele, thank you. Thank you, Janelle. Happy to be here. If you love today's episode and you yourself have a story to share, I encourage you to come on the podcast and be our next guest. We'll talk about anything and everything that you want to chat about because no matter who you are, I know you have a story to share that can help someone else. Also, don't forget to check us out on YouTube. If you want to see the video version of this episode. Okay. See you next week.