How Dating Apps Negatively Affect My Mental Health with Jenelle Tremblett

#140: Jenelle delves into the challenges and negative experiences she encountered during the past few weeks on dating apps. She shares the disappointment she felt after a series of unsuccessful dates, where she experienced a lack of connection, respect, and shared interests with her matches. She candidly discusses the toll that these experiences took on her mental health, leading her to question her self-worth and confidence.

Jenelle also reflects on her current mindset and intentions moving forward. She acknowledges the ongoing struggles of dating in the modern world while expressing her determination to approach the process with a more open and resilient mindset.

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Jenelle Tremblett: Website | Instagram | TikTok

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Transcript

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Welcome to the ebb and glow podcast. I'm your host, Janelle Tremlett. And I'm a firm believer that even when life doesn't go as planned, it is taking you exactly where you're meant to be on this podcast. I'm here to help you finally release control of what you think you want and begin to just trust in the ebbs and flows of life. Each week, I will show you how to build that positive mindset radiate with self confidence and cultivate an unshakeable resilience. Let me prove to you that even when life ebb. You will glow. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 140 of the Ebb Glow podcast. I'm your host Janelle Tremblitt and today's episode is a solo one with me. I'm sure the title of this episode really caught your eye, and if you're someone that's listening and obviously have dated in the past or are dating, I'm sure you'll feel that this episode is pretty relatable. But before we jump into that, if you are a long time listener, you probably noticed that I haven't really posted a new episode in almost a month. Or if not over a month, and I've beat myself up a lot over that, but I've also have given myself a little bit of grace. Um, in the first half of last month, I spent countless, countless hours taking all of my podcast episodes to date and getting them all uploaded to YouTube. So that meant so, so, so many late nights and longer weekends for the first half of the month. And I didn't realize it took such a big toll on me that I was incredibly burnt out podcast wise right after. Then when I realized how many hours I spent getting that project done, I looked at my schedule and I realized, Ah, there's so many other things that I've put to the side that I do need to reprioritize again. So what ended up happening is, Yeah, the, the episodes that I had ready for, for the rest of the month and the beginning of August, kind of just fell on the wayside. And there's one argument that you can say you need to hold yourself accountable. You need to get all of this done. I've held myself accountable for coming on three years of building this podcast. And at some point, you do have to give yourself a little bit of grace and reprioritize things in your life. So if you're listening to this, and maybe there's a hobby that you're building and a project you've been working on, And you feel like you just need to take a step back and refocus and try to figure out why am I even doing all of this? Give yourself that opportunity. It's, it's worth it. I'm coming back with a little bit more of a refreshed mindset about the podcast. There's still some tweaking that I want to do, But I am excited for some of the things that I will be changing up. okay, so let's get into the juicy parts of the episode and the whole purpose of this episode. so I haven't had a dating app since 2018. And what's that? Like over five years ago. And Mostly because I was in a longer term relationship and then I was really focused on my career So I was just dating very casually and luckily meeting a lot of people in person and organically but I realized in the last couple of months that when I looked at my week as a whole, after every week, I really didn't have that many opportunities to meet people organically. a lot of my time is spent working on my business and working in general. And then the times that I do have for social time, I already have my set group of friends that I tend to spend a lot of time with. and try to squeeze in where I can. So I find myself lately not wanting to go out to bars and clubs as much. And if I do, it may be with a group of girls for dinner or maybe with just like a handful of friends. And I'm not going with the intention of really meeting someone. so if by chance I meet someone organically, It's going to be a really, really small percentage. And I mean, if you've listened to any of my solo episodes prior, I tend to meet people when I'm traveling as well. So as of now, I can't be traveling every couple of months. And we'll, we'll get there. We, we will get to that part of my life eventually. so I was kind of bored on a Saturday night one evening a few weeks ago, and I said, fuck it. Like, let's put my ego aside. Let's finally download one of these apps again and just see what's out there. And mind you, I was self aware enough to know that in the past, I don't feel like I used apps very intentionally. I definitely treated them a bit like a slot machine and I didn't put enough effort into them. In terms of finding what I want, but I did spend a lot of useless mindless time on them, and I'm not in a position anymore where I have all of this free time to waste. I definitely need to be more focused with my time and use it productively so. when you're building a real estate business like I am when it can be all encompassing and you're on your phone constantly and meeting new people constantly, you kind of feel like you're doing first dates all the time and that can be pretty exhausting itself. So the idea of. Getting on a dating app and nurturing and putting yourself out there and facing rejection. I just did not have the energy for it. So that's why I was so reluctant on downloading apps over the past couple of years. But lo and behold, I finally caved and downloaded a few weeks ago. It was exciting at first. It was exciting putting the profile together, getting creative with the prompts, letting my personality shine through. And I mean, I've used my friends dating apps over the past couple of years, just kind of seeing what's out there, just playing on their accounts. I was really curious to see, again, who is out there. Maybe, maybe there are people in this city that I would really click with that there is no way that we would ever meet if it wasn't through this app. Toronto is a really big city and it can feel small at sometimes, but it is also very easy to just stay within your bubble and not really meet any new people. The first couple of days were pretty exciting, uh, seeing what's out there, matched with a ton of cute people and, and had a handful of really good conversations, but it wasn't until about, A week and a half in or two weeks in that I noticed my mental health had taken a huge toll on me and I didn't notice it every day dwindling, but by the end of the two weeks, I definitely noticed a huge change in my energy levels, my, my confidence. My, my self worth a little bit, and that's, that's not who I am. I've spent the last couple of years really building those up and really learning how to be happy alone for it to only take two weeks for me to re question all of those things. Which sounds insane, right? But for me there are a few main reasons of why Dating apps are bad for my mental health. Number one for me is the constant need of validation and How everything feels a little surface level. You don't owe anyone anything. So You're matching with these people and you think they're cute. Obviously, they think you're cute. You're you're having a couple of good conversations You're investing a bunch of time You're probably talking for a few days before you ever meet in person and then when you do meet in person Maybe it doesn't work out and all of a sudden you feel like there's this big loss of time or that's how I felt and you feel like you're developing a connection with someone over a few days and And then poof, it can be gone as quick as that, because at the end of the day, you guys talked for a few days and met once. You guys don't owe each other anything. But I find that situation can really take a toll on someone if you're someone that enjoys building that connection with people, whether or not it needs to be romantic or not. So within the first couple of weeks, I went on a couple of dates and neither of them were really good. The first one that I went on, we definitely talked for almost a week, chatting back and forth and we did have a lot to talk about I thought the conversations were really, were light and fun and easy going And even though I had no expectations going in, I felt that the date went way worse than it needed to be. Ultimately, I felt that this person didn't have any respect for my career, and that was a big no for me, obviously. I also, there's, I have a list, but ultimately, it wasn't a match. But one of the things I realized after leaving that first date was You're allowed to cut things off earlier than maybe you would have and you're allowed to walk away from a date If you know right away, it's not a connection whereas for me I think Due to the type of person I am in the career I have I tend to know how to have really good conversations with someone and be polite even if I'm not interested in them romantically and I thought that date went 3x the amount of time it needed to go. And I kind of wish I cut the date off after the first drink instead of staying for two more hours. So, that's kind of on me, but that was definitely a learning I took from that situation where I won't make that mistake again. So, it's interesting when I went into a second date that was also not good. I took that first learning from the first date of, okay, you do not need to do this big date. You've never actually met this person. It doesn't need to be a long date. It can be a quick meet up. I said right at the beginning, hey, let's just meet for a quick drink. I have time for one drink and then I'm going to go out. I don't know if I said I had other plans, but I scheduled it in a way where I could have things afterwards. and again, the moment I got in, I just, it wasn't a match, but it's interesting. I thought the guy was cool from his profile and I was excited to learn more about him, but his whole energy was just very bored. And he did not have any manners. He was kind of rude, actually. when I first got to the place, he was looking at the menu to order a drink and he didn't even like hand me the menu or say like, Oh, let me go find you another menu. Or, Hey, do you want to take a look? I already know what I want. Or do you want to look together? There was no like manners in general use. And I was so thrown off from the beginning. Cause it doesn't matter if I think someone's attractive or interested in them romantically, I still know how to act when I meet a new person and I have way more social skills than this person did. The other thing that really bugged me about the two dates was neither of them were good at eye contact. And eye contact is so important to me. For me, eye contact really builds intimacy and it shows me that you're just interested in this conversation. You don't have to be interested in me, but at least be here and be present in this moment. But I found with both of them, they were kind of like wandering and like looking around the whole time. And I almost wanted to look at them and say, is there a fly flying around my head because you have not yet looked at me like, it's so weird. And what ended up getting in my head about those two situations because I link eye contact so closely with intimacy and wanting to be in the moment. I left two of those dates thinking those people didn't like me. I don't think they were attracted to me. They had no interest in really getting to know me. I don't even think they wanted to be a friend of mine. It was so weird. and when you have two situations that are similar and within the same week, it can really affect how you look at yourself and affect your confidence level. Make you wonder, like, am I ugly? Am I weird? Am I annoying? It really makes you hurt inside, I think. After those two dates, it really made me question, am I mentally strong enough to be on these apps? and it's not that I have high expectations for them. Again, neither party owes each other, anything. Everyone has their own lives. You don't know anything about each other, but. I don't know if I'm mentally strong enough for them. Anyone listening to this right now, have you ever felt that way? Am I the only one? I hope other people feel this way because it's not a good feeling and I would love for someone to understand how I'm feeling right now. Thankfully, after that second date, I had two options. I could have came right home and wallowed and got back on the apps and swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe to gain some sort of validation or ego boost. Or... Meet up with some friends because it was a Saturday night and laugh it all off. Thankfully, I chose the latter and I met up with one of my girlfriends for another drink and some food and it ended up being a really, really great night. We got to catch up. We got to just like chat it all out. I got to see her perspective on it. She told me some of the stories that she had in terms of when she was on the dating app. Some very similar stories to how I was feeling and the feeling of rejection and. And just questioning everything about yourself. So it did make me feel a little bit more understood and it allowed me to get in a way better headspace, which at that moment I needed it. The one thing that I did do after each date, which my friends had so much fun laughing at is the moment I was walking out of the date, I pulled out my notes app and wrote a pros and cons list immediately about the person, the date, the whole situation. And what that helped me with is, honestly, for both of them, I really struggled to find some pros. I'm sorry, it's true. But the cons list was so long on each of them, and what that allowed me to do was, doing it right away as I was leaving, allowed me to get all of my emotions and thoughts on paper or written out or thought out immediately, instead of just walking home, drowning in my thoughts, drowning in my self pity, instead, I got to write it all out in a really logical way and almost, like, dump it all out of how I was feeling. Other people maybe call a friend or rant about it or whatnot, but I found getting it all listed out in a pros cons list really helped me look at it a lot more logically. And I noticed right after each date, even though I was still like bummed about the situation and thinking, uh, like maybe that was a waste of time. it allowed me to not worry about it anymore and really see it for what it was. and looking at the cons list, it made me realize, yeah, we're not a match at all. I should not be hurt if they don't like me. I should not take it. Personally, because I agree we're not the match. I see it all on paper right now. so if you're in the dating world right now going on dates and meeting new people, I highly recommend doing that right after you meet them or the next day. And this goes for meeting people in person as well. Maybe you meet someone out and you're chatting for a few days and maybe, maybe the conversation dies off after a few weeks and you're kind of wondering, huh, what happened there? And why am I hung up on it? Get it all on paper because when you start realizing, uh, I didn't really like that they took a long time to text back, write that down as a con because you'll be able to see the list and make a logical decision for yourself of saying, huh, I don't think they're the match anyway, so I should not be upset that we don't talk anymore or we're not going on a second date. Another reason, which I alluded to really in the beginning. of why dating apps kill my mental health is a big one again around all of the time wasted. I noticed myself, it's the same thing as if you're scrolling through Instagram for four hours a night or scrolling through TikTok, which I have a bad habit with as well, but it's like anything. I noticed myself spending so much time just swiping, swiping, swiping, swiping. And what for? So I found myself a little bit upset and depressed a little with how much time I was wasting with nothing to show for it. So there's been a couple other people that I matched with this week that I'm kind of intrigued by. So I think I might give the apps. And I said this to some friends, I was like, I'm giving myself one more week of this and then I'm out. whoever didn't match with me in this week, well, too bad, I'm out of here. And so I've joked about that, but I really do think I, After this week, I'll give it one more week and I'll probably just delete the app from my phone. Maybe leave my profile up just in case, but I'll more than likely just delete the app. Because I can't just keep wasting time on it. I do enjoy meeting people a little bit more organically to be honest. The other reason that I just realized that Why it's hurting my mental health is around that I feel the conversations are very surface level and boring. And I get the impression from a lot of these guides that they don't really have any interest in you. I think they just have an interest in having someone, anyone to talk to. And a couple of them definitely... Fall into a trap of trying to pen pal people and texting and texting and texting. And I'm like, why are we texting so much? Like, I don't know who you are. I'm not your girlfriend. I don't owe you anything. And I found that to be a little bit. Smothering of someone having all these expectations of response times and texting them back for someone I'm not dating. So I found that to be a little bit of a toll on my mental health as well And then the other random thing, I think this is more me being a little bit of An asshole or a bit picky. It kind of annoys me when people on dating apps Ask you, how was your day? How are you? And they ask it to you every single day. Again, I'm not dating you. Like, you shouldn't care about how my day is. Or that shouldn't be our topic of conversation. I would rather ask questions of What did you do this weekend? Or do you have any upcoming travel plans? Or are you from a big family? Or did you grow up here? Those are the types of conversations I would rather have in the first few days. I don't really care how your day is and I don't care if you care about how mine wants to. I just think that's a weird conversation to have with someone maybe you met once or haven't met at all. So I'm noticing myself just getting like, icked out about a lot of things with dating apps right now. So, yeah, it's, it, again, it's just I'm not in a good mental health space to use it intentionally as I would like. A lot of this episode is telling you why I'm not liking dating apps, But before I came on here and started chatting about this, I wanted to see it in another light before I only showed the negative parts about it. And I came across a video on TikTok recently about a girl trying to give another perspective. When maybe you aren't matching with people that you really like, or maybe you're having failed dates, and it's really easy to look at yourself and think, you're the problem. What's wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not smart enough? Am I not blank enough? And the girl on the video said, you have to look at yourself like this. You are the product and just because you're single doesn't mean necessarily there's something wrong with the product. It means you have a marketing problem and obviously that analogy really caught my attention and I laughed and I thought huh That's a really interesting way to look at it. So For the example with dating apps, if you're single and you're not on dating apps at all and you're expecting to meet people and you don't really go out of your way to meet anyone outside of your social circle, again, yeah, you have a marketing problem. so I believe in this video she said, stop looking at dating apps as like swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, like spending so much time on it. Look at it as just a marketing. So basically, because there could be people that know of you in the city and they don't really know if you're single or not. And maybe them just seeing your profile, they are saying, huh, oh, okay, she is single. Maybe I'll reach out. So again, like the girl in the video said, you just have a marketing problem. It's not a product problem. I liked that way of viewing things. All in all, this is just my first little toe dip again into the dating app world. And I don't know how I feel about it yet. Like I said, this whole episode is about that it's killing my mental health a little bit, but I'm going to try to look at it in a way that let's just put myself out there a little bit. It's something that you never know who you could potentially meet. And I want to go into every date. Not expecting them to be the one going in with lower expectations and trying to just meet a person for a person Just because someone's not interested in you romantically doesn't mean they didn't think you were a good person or interesting Who knows? Maybe they have a great friend that after they meet you they think huh? That girl is not someone I would date but I know someone that she would be perfect for And again, it's a marketing thing So If you are on the dating apps and in the dating world and you're getting stressed out and discouraged, I mean, I'm in the trenches with you, but try to look at it in a little bit more of a positive way. If anything, the two dates that I went on last week, I have great stories for when I see my friends and for when I talk to other people in general. For this podcast alone, there's always material coming for this podcast. but I'm trying not to dwell on... What I initially looked at as wasted time and looking at it as just trial runs of getting better at first dates for when maybe I do meet someone that I think is a better match on both sides that I will be ready for it at least I would say so all in all. Thank you so much for listening. As I continue into the dating world, if there's any great stories that come up, I will definitely come on here and share them without giving too too much personal information. Stay tuned for some great episodes coming up throughout this month. And if you're listening to this on the audio version, we do have the YouTube version as well, if you'd prefer to see video. And if you're watching the YouTube version right now, you can also find the entire podcast on Spotify and Apple podcasts. All right, wherever you are, enjoy the rest of your day. And thank you so much for listening. Bye. If you love today's episode and you yourself have a story to share, I encourage you to come on the podcast and be our next guest. We'll talk about anything and everything that you want to chat about because no matter who you are, I know you have a story to share that can help someone else. Also, don't forget to check us out on YouTube. If you want to see the video version of this episode. Okay. See you next week.